The Cotton Candy Commandments

In discussions among Christians, when something gets heated, there will almost invariably be someone who throws the accusation that someone else is being ‘unloving’ or ‘prideful’ or some such. Now while love is indeed the greatest command for followers of Christ, many people who toss such accusations around have little clue what they are saying or what love really means, and are really only using it as a tarbrush (usually against someone who won’t agree with them on a point of discussion). Love is not some shallow sentimental attachment or all of us agreeing on everything all the time, the two in fact are often at odds. But to elucidate how someone can perfectly ‘walk in love’ by this skewed definition, I’ve put together ten very important rules to remember for everyday interaction if you are a Christian. They are sweet sounding at times, but unfortunately just as weightless and devoid of any real substance as actual cotton candy. Enjoy!

The Cotton Candy Commandments:

I. Thou shalt show love at all times, love being defined as emotional fluffiness that never involves anger or other negative emotions for any reasons. It’s a sort of cosmic karma, a Christianized Nirvana that everyone in any discussion is supposed to be aimlessly floating in so we all get along.

II. Thou shalt not love toughly. Love is never tough. Look at the list: patient, kind, trusts, hopes, perseveres…I don’t see ‘tough’ in there anywhere, do you? Could you imagine if God’s love were tough? He’d like, chastise people and stuff!

III. Thou shalt not act certain, for certainty is a sign of arrogance and pride. If you are certain, even about the fact that no one should be certain about anything, don’t act like you are so you’ll retain the moral high ground. It’s what other people think that counts after all, which is why,

IV. Thou shalt not under any circumstances hurt others’ feelings, because feelings are the most important thing in the universe. When Christ says “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck…”, He’s obviously talking about someone taking any kind of offense to anything you say, which is proof that feelings are the most important thing there is. The purpose of life is feeling, I mean, for crying out loud, haven’t you guys seen Equilibrium yet?

V. Negative feelings of any kind are a sin. Anger for instance, anger and hatred are the same thing. Think about it:

hatred->anger,

therefore, anger->hatred

Don’t you see, anger stems from fear, fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. First you’re a bit frustrated that someone refuses to listen to your point about Christian doctrine, next thing you know, you’re choking people through an intercom. Who? What? In the temple? With a whip? You’re making that up!

VI. Thou shalt not judge anyone else for any reason whatsoever. Not just their person or character, but their opinions and ideas as well.

VII. Thou shalt not tease. Any kinds of verbal pokes, funny names, puns or satires involving anyone else are an immediate sign that the one doing so is not truly saved.

VIII. For that matter thou shalt not make any attempts to be funny. Did you ever hear Jesus make a joke? Didn’t think so.

Serious note: I actually once had an individual who I discussed theology with claim that my actions were not Christ-like, citing the fact that I did a goofy stylistic impression of a cartoon character during another discussion. Uh, yeah…talk about deadly sins. If that’s not hating my brother I don’t know what is.

IX. Thou shalt not tell anyone that their opinion is wrong. Telling someone that their opinion is wrong is un-Christlike and bad.

X. Thou shalt not try and win a debate. Debate is a dirty word, the fact that you are trying to win a debate conclusively proves that you are carnal and interested only in winning, especially if you’re taking my arguments to the cleaners you pompous jerk!

Hopefully these ‘commandments’ will give you some idea as to the unspoken rules of dealing with really uptight people; or if you yourself are really on-edge, encourage you to lighten up just a little bit. Instead of the inconsistent and unrealistic, emotionally-driven expectations that try to pass themselves off as Christian love, the best rule to remember is the golden rule:

“Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12)

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